Churchgoer Extraordinaire Pillows

"Even if you do always volunteer to bring the meat dish to church potlucks, you can't claim the congregation as dependents."

Kid to pastor: 'Doesn't Jesus worry about approval ratings?'

'Impressive! You went to church even on Super Bowl sundays.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

'I didn't think your sermon was that good!'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'Let us pray...'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Verger Works

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"I have an app for that."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."