Devout Churchgoers Pillows

'Oh, oh! They're going to give it to us with both barrels!'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'Let us pray...'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Verger Works

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Baptism Then and Now

"I have an app for that."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

United Church of OMG

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Amen. Please help me up."

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"