Church Music Director Pillows

Christmas organ

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'OK, everybody...'Louie, Louie' from the top!'

"Please! No harmonizing during ululations!"

Hildegard von Bingen

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

CCTV in church.

Nun Binning the Devil

"Maybe we should just let heaven and nature sing."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Angel playing music

"It's a cup holder."

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

Tenors

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

'And if it ain't baroque, don't fix it.'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

'It helps with reception.'

BLEAK PROSPECTS: DOWNSIZING FOR THE NINETIES