Church Climber Pillows

"Most striking case of 'de profundis in excelsos' I've ever come across."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

'Let us pray...'

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I think I've now earned the right to wear God on my sleeve.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

Baptism Then and Now

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"Amen. Please help me up."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

CCTV in church.

"I have an app for that."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"Did you have to go on about his being 'officially unavailable' and 'defying the nature of his masculinity?"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."