Churchgoer Champs Pillows

'Archbishop Thomas Flynn, one of Gods little helpers'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Verger Works

'Let us pray...'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

CCTV in church.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"I have an app for that."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Baptism Then and Now