Chronic Illness Comedian Gifts

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

T-Shirt reads: 'Out of mind, I won't be back.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

Robot surgery.

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Do you know how much it cost me to LEARN all this psychobabble?'

"What> Fitness isn't a destination, it's a way of life."

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'I'll give it back to you in a second hon, I just want to get this broccoli out of my teeth.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

'I was a junior doctor when I started this shift.'

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"The Jacksons will be there in about an hour and I promise you guys an epic fight!"

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

No offense, Doctor, but I'm feeling kinda rushed.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

'Looks like we could have a pandemic on our hands.'

Man Gives Computer Therapy/

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

"I'm putting you on a stronger placebo."

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

"Oh, sure! Blame the monkey!"