Cholesterol-conscious Chuckler Pillows

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"One slice—hold the bread."

'I thought I told you to cut down on sugar.'

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"Thank God!"

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

Lard Lite - Marketing

' ... and a side order of statins.'