Childhood Conversationalist Pillows

"My Dad misses more child support payments than your's"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"So, what do you do for play?"

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'If you'll excuse me, I'm going to work the room.'

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

A lesson in wit