Cherry-picking Critic Pillows

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

"I finally got my wife to read my manuscript. She said the main character was a sleazebag devoid of a moral compass. It's an autobiography."

Mom's Mortuary

"Med Brittle"

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

'Forget the artwork who made the martinis?!'

"Do I have to eat the cherry?"

"If art was meant to be understood by the common man then the common man would have a degree in art appreciation."

"I got horse dewormer..."

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

Candy Land for Adults

"You forgot his tail."

"I hate how we stigmatize eating by calling it a feeding frenzy."

"They see you when you're sleeping - They know when you're awake..."

'Noooo! You idiot! For crying out loud! Sear it first! Then a slow oven.'

'I hate chocolates that are gooey inside but I love Valentine's cards that are all gooey inside.'

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

"I like the Pasteurs, but my goodness – boiled tomato juice, boiled fish with boiled lettuce, boiled bread, boiled salad..."

"Our house wine is abominable."

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

Trump in Disappointing Halloween Candy

"You might try the Trout Almandine - it's just swimming in credit card debt."

"Pretty sure that braid came from a crafts store."

"Are these beautiful? I can't ever tell?"

Greengrocer selling rotten fruit for a political rally.

'Do we want a box of raisins? Mister, this is Halloween, not audition night at the comedy club!'

Sue Gray Report

"Can I return this, please? You sold me a chic-lit-rom-com, and I distinctly remember asking for a plain chic-lit."

"You don't have to worry about my teeth. Bucky Sims talked me out of my candy."