Checkout Comic Gifts

'Sir, wait! You can't go yet! The register hasn't finished spitting out all your valuable coupons.'

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'It's nothing serious. Rest is the best cure for binge shopping.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

Jim Carrey,

John Cleese.

"The checkout clerk will now testily remind you to press 'ok'."

"Heelllllooooooo, Roswell!!"

Spike Milligan

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Checkout for $385.00 or more.

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

Woody Allen

Alan Carr

"Let's just get through the first aisle...then we'll discuss your impulse buying."

"How much of this stuff can I eat before it can no longer be returned?"

Comedy course highlights fake nose

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

'Bag? Any vouchers? Like a packer? If you have two of those... What type of apples are these?'

"Obviously, if I have to explain the joke, it's not funny anymore..."

"I've got a lot of stuff, a ton of coupons, and I pay by check, so all you behind me...get comfortable!"

Bank Checking Accounts. Yes, deposits are guaranteed, sir --- but withdrawals aren't.

'You're the first person to ask for a shopping hour in addition to a lunch hour.'

'I'm a Fringe performer.'

Dawn French.

'Blimey, you must have charged for the trolley as well!'

'You said he wasn't a dirty comedian. This guy is filthy!'

Tescos: 'Oh no! There's no chocolate at the checkout!'

'That's Jeb Lambert. He was actually the first one to say 'paper or plastic'. Before that everyone said 'plastic or paper'... I mean, can you imagine?'

Shopping Trolley

"You can't go on because you're 'feeling funny'? In your case it's so rare, make the most of it!"

"Your speech made the Wall Street Journal and Comedy Central."

'As many items as I want or no customer!'

10 items or less