Chat-up Comedian Gifts

"Why are staring at my boobs? What do you hope to find there?"

They hated me.

Moses on the web

Snowprov

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Yes, I'm alone."

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

Cold caller.

"...They must be poor catchers, there's two men behind the plate."

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

Chicken: the one-man show

Comedy Rule

Tragedy and Material

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Comedy course highlights fake nose

Phill Jupitus

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"I'm dating a stand-up comedian...!"

'You said he wasn't a dirty comedian. This guy is filthy!'

"No-chance the rapper"

Our Universe: Matter (.0001%), Dark Matter (40%), Spam (60%)

Woody Allen

"Well, you did get a raise out of him. He's still laughing!"

'Having conducted a comprehensive review of your business strategy and financial forecasts...'

"All I said is I'd like a little more attention. I don't need the shenanigans."

Grim Reaper Checkout