Chat-up Comedy Fan Gifts

"Yes, but am I the biggest dick you've ever met?"

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Bad fake tan day.

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

Giraffe Umbrella

A Fairytale Update

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

The Rooster Comedian.

Vlad the Impala

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

If time travel was invented in 1600 in England. I'm a fan of the bard. Let's see if he wants to take a journey through time. Globe Theater. Sounds fun! Let's go to 2020. It's a nice round number. Zazzz! Poof! That's weird. How did they know he was coming? And why does he need to leave this place? Apparently you can't be here, William. The sign says "No Shakespeare in the park this summer."

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"That is an outrageous slur."