Channel Champion Gifts

'1875 - Captain Matthew Webb becomes the first man to swim the English Channel.'

"So, what did you do at charter school today?"

'Complete sentences?? Jeez, how verbose can you get?'

Couples' therapy

"So, what are you reading?"

WHO checklist

"Marriage is driving me crazy and she's my designated driver!"

'He has a very open mind. Everything goes in one ear and out the other.'

Now showing - "What's the least noisy film we can chat through?"

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

"There's the remote!"

"I need a box of the gayest chocolate you've got."

'HEY,no Tongue!'

The scourge of the 'burbs, cable pirates board another innocent hom in their unceasing search for that one extra channel, the occasional first-run movie, or the highly-prized pay-per-view sports events..

'I'll slap the both of you if you don't knock off the chit chat.'

"Lately she refers to me as her 'insignificant other'."

'With three teenage daughters the phone never rings twice in this house!'

"How long has your husband gone through life with these 'blinders' on?"

'I hope you realise that speed channel surfing isn't an olympic sport.'

'This beer is pale and tasteless.' 'Your glass is empty.'

"After endless delays, boarding confusion and lost luggage, it appears he's finally arriving at his conclusion."

"I hear we went platinum."

"Before we got married you said you were oversexed."

"Apparently women use twice as many words per day as men do."

"Hello... I will be your instructor for this assertiveness training course... that is... I mean... if you don't mind!"

'The gentlemans washroom at the indoor bouldering comp'

'I'm going to restate what he just said - especially the part about my being a good listener.'

'I'm all in favour of alternative medicine, using boiled twigs and chanting has cut our drug budget in half.'

"I take it you're trying to change the channel?"

Assertiveness training - man answers phone; 'Can I get back to you? How about when I'm darned good and ready?'

'You'll never win that contest -- you've never said anything in fifty words or less.'

"He asked if we had someone on staff who knew sign language and when I said 'yes'....he fainted!"

'Idle gossip, nothing! I've worked hard on it!'

Black belt in gossiping.

'Make sure you get unleaded...'