Channel Challenger Pillows

Man preparing to swim the channel covers himself in goose fat and notices that a man preparing to paddle is doing the same.

'Great news, I've just swum the channel...lenthwise.'

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"My email is down... talk to me."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

Too much cilantro

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

Empty Calories Vending Machine.

"I feel proud of the success I've made, thanks for all your support."

"You can't just put on the uniform whenever you don't want to have a conversation, Barry."

"I hope this makes it clearer!"

"Touch that and you're a dead man."

Please seat to be weighted.

"Amazing! He's been in there for over an hour without his cell phone,laptop or email access and he hasn't even twitched!"

'Sorry...I don't do hugs!'

'It's the half-empty bag of cookies from the back of the pantry. Should I tell them you'll call back?'

The scourge of the 'burbs, cable pirates board another innocent hom in their unceasing search for that one extra channel, the occasional first-run movie, or the highly-prized pay-per-view sports events..

'I hope you realise that speed channel surfing isn't an olympic sport.'

'The numbers don't look quite so bad along with the hard liquor.'

'I know you are doing your best, but it will be great when Pat comes home.'

'I reduce my stress with comfort food. Now none of my clothes are comfortable.'

"Here's your problem."

'1875 - Captain Matthew Webb becomes the first man to swim the English Channel.'

'I got him for self defense. Boze eats my wife's leftovers.'

Unreliable Narrator

As soon as the diet ends the lost weight returns.

'I don't understand. Is our performance going up or down?'

'Slow Internet connection! They thought of everything!'

Two weighing machines, one speaks your weight and the other lies about it.

'This diet is killing me! -- Last night I dreamed that I ate Willy Wonka!'

'My gosh, I'm losing my jowls!'

'You're not old enough to refuse to discuss things!'

"I take it you're trying to change the channel?"