Certificate Hoarder Gifts

Many certificates of achievement on the wall.

"Make a lot of money."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"I was drawing a whale, but I ran out of paper."

'Gee, you beat Roger again!'

'Congratulations, you graduated.'

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'We'll take two sets, for upstairs and downstairs.'

"My Gmail account is full. I can't get any more email." "So?" "I'll miss email. It was so old-timey. You could write hundreds or even thousands of words, with actual paragraphs." "People didn't see any little animations to show them you were typing. They had to actually wonder if you were going to reply." "And the spam was fun. You never got to hear from Nigerian princes while you're checking your texts." "Just delete stuff." "If you delete a few gigs of old emails, you'll be able to get n

"I'll need all the information you can find on why I need so much information."

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

"When I opened my cupboards at home they were full of junk food, when I opened my mailbox it was full of junk mail. I'm always afraid to open my portfolio balance."

"Hey, Lenny, can you spare a rubber band?"

Time traveller of the year, 3173, A.D.

'I made a backup disc. Then I realized I wanted a backup of the backup. Then I decided just to be safe, to make a backup of that backup...'

"Since time is an issue, I didn't have time to organize my receipts."

'It will be a big wedding, I invited all 2679 of my facebook friends,'

Junk Mail.

Amazon Prime Day ~ The Aftermath

"Run! My laptop is so full of apps, downloads, old documents, screenshots and junk files, it's about to explode!"

'Oh good, it looks like the few things I ordered from the catalogue have arrived.'

"Harry Potter and the chamber of obsolete electronics."

"Isn't that cute? He's reading his diplomas again."

music store

'You've been on eBay again haven't you?'

"There's so much evidence we should put some aside for a different case."

Everyday is cyber Monday.

'If the Mayan calendar is right, how should I back up my files?'

World's Best Dad

"These investments aren't without risk. Your mailbox might explode with prospectuses."

'Thanks, I started collecting diplomas when I was seven.'

Fantasy Football Awards: 'The trophy to the Monday morning quarterback with the widest end zone...'

"You have 2,974 tabs open. I suggest closing about 2,970 of them. That may speed up your computer."

'Give me all your free pens too!'

Wife's head is mounted on hunter's wall.