Cerebral Comedian Pillows

Ideas Whose Time Will Never Come.

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'In the alternate universe I've come up with, everything would be exactly the same except cats would bark.'

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

'Catch this!'

"So I misplaced a couple hundred Bitcoin. Maybe the dog ate the wallet. I din't know. S**t happens!"

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"They don't appear to want to take over. They just want to dance."

'It's a government funded study to find out how many wrongs make a right.'

''Et cetera' implies that you know much more than you really do. . .'

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

Some moss pounces on a rolling stone.

"I.T. says these new laptops they gave us come loaded with all the latest viruses."

"The Internet puts the world at your finger tips."

'It's not working because it claims it can think and has decided not to.'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

'The stand-up geneticist'

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

'Well it's obvious when we went through mitosis, the brain went to my side!'

'Grandpa says that, in his day, he had to walk 20 miles in the snow just to steal music.'

'Granted we have to do the research. And we can do some research on the research. but I don't think we should get involved in research on research on research.'

"Read the comments, boss. . . we should rename the whole thing from 'social media' to 'antisocial media'."

How corporate data wizards decide it's time to re-vamp everything...

"Lets take this conversation off line..."

"...then - and here's the funny part - I add the potassium sulfate..."

'What's the point? We're never going to be able to compete with online piracy.'

"You have exceeded the maximum number of incorrect password attempts."

'The mist is clearing.'

"Welcome to the team, Mr Ware. What did you say your first name was?"