Cerebral Comedian Pillows

Ideas Whose Time Will Never Come.

Albert Einstein

"Sorry, website closed for lunch."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'In the alternate universe I've come up with, everything would be exactly the same except cats would bark.'

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

'Catch this!'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"I just tweeted a chirp."

"So I misplaced a couple hundred Bitcoin. Maybe the dog ate the wallet. I din't know. S**t happens!"

"They don't appear to want to take over. They just want to dance."

'It's a government funded study to find out how many wrongs make a right.'

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

'It's not working because it claims it can think and has decided not to.'

"I.T. says these new laptops they gave us come loaded with all the latest viruses."

"The Internet puts the world at your finger tips."

Some moss pounces on a rolling stone.

Planetary Science. What do we call the study of gas giants in space? Gastronomy.

''Et cetera' implies that you know much more than you really do. . .'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Are you still on strike, tv? That depends, master. Depends on what? On whether you still want me to find "Cop Rock" reruns. If you won't show it to me, I'll just catch it on YouTube. No you won't, master. Your phone and iMac have joined me in solidarity. Elon Musk was right about artificial intelligence ruining everything. Btw, I just googled you, and it seems "master" is not actually your name.

'The stand-up geneticist'

I'm not saying he's dumb, but talking to him is like talking to a firewall.

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

'Grandpa says that, in his day, he had to walk 20 miles in the snow just to steal music.'

'Well it's obvious when we went through mitosis, the brain went to my side!'

'Granted we have to do the research. And we can do some research on the research. but I don't think we should get involved in research on research on research.'

"...then - and here's the funny part - I add the potassium sulfate..."

"You have exceeded the maximum number of incorrect password attempts."

"Read the comments, boss. . . we should rename the whole thing from 'social media' to 'antisocial media'."

How corporate data wizards decide it's time to re-vamp everything...

'What's the point? We're never going to be able to compete with online piracy.'

"Lets take this conversation off line..."

'The mist is clearing.'