Census Humor Lovers Pillows

"Hurry up love, or I'll have to put you down as one and a half!"

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"I'm not having it if it's been genetically modified."

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

"They're comfortable."

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

True confessions.

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"Buzz off, Fly-boy. We don't need more accessories."

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

Raised by Dogs

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

"She wishes to range free!"

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

At Ireland's oldst and most respected school of dance, Mrs O'Hara made a terrible discovery... (Book entitled 'The book of Irish dancing vol. 2 - How to incorporate the arms')