Census Humor Lovers Mugs

"Hurry up love, or I'll have to put you down as one and a half!"

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"I'm not having it if it's been genetically modified."

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

Cow Pinatas

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

True confessions.

"They're comfortable."

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Raised by Dogs

"Buzz off, Fly-boy. We don't need more accessories."

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

"She wishes to range free!"

Mister Bundles VS. The Martians - Part Twenty Six

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!