Celebrity Cynic Pillows

You've got to get on board with celebrity endorsements. People love your voice. They trust it. Bite me. Okay, then we'll find someone else to dupe your pathetic audience, sell them stuff they don't need and make them feel deep regret. Hold on. You never mentioned the spiritual benefits. I didn't want to play this card. To think of the shame I could inflict.

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Obama builds own gallows.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

Sucking Up to Gen X

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

Cornucopia Prime

Warning! The next programme contains no celebrities.

'It's like home from home, really-rubbish telly, lousy grub..'

"So much for the news, now for the corrections."

Mail & Political lies.

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY: CLEAN UNDERWEAR

The Sequel is Coming

"...and do you, John, give up your smug air of bemused detachment for the demands of marriage?"

'Can we kind of get married?'

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

"You're really starting to bug me."

'Looks like they're going for the apathetic vote again.'

National Sarcasm Awareness: 'Thanks! Like that's really going to help.'

"I'm experimenting with an arrow that dramatically lowers expectations."

'Don't tell me about the basic goodness of children - as soon as there were two, Cain killed Abel!'

"It's not fair. I'm a celebrity. Half the stuff written about me isn't even true."