Catchy Comedian T-Shirts

Trout Game

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

A Bloody Butcher

Sock Puppet in Literature

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

'She'll never look for me here.'

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

'How much would you take off for cash?'

'Ships plumber reporting for duty.'

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Rattlecornsnake

"...and are you, Jessica, committed to this bit?"

"I guess your reputation for tipping has preceded you!"

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

Banana

'I know you love her and want to protect her. But it's wrong to laminate her.'

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

We met online.

And do you, Sue, believe this is the best you can do? / It was a simple ceremony. Perhaps a little too simple.

'Why do I have the felling that your parents don't trust me?'

"As long as we're renewing our vows anyway, I've come up with a few new ones."

'I never forget a face.'

"So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?"

'You were so right about twin beds spicing things up.'

"I'm afraid antibiotics aren't of much use for a broken heart!"

Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 5