Catchy Comedian T-Shirts

Trout Game

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

Sock Puppet in Literature

A Bloody Butcher

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

'She'll never look for me here.'

Infinity Tavern

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'How much would you take off for cash?'

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

'Ships plumber reporting for duty.'

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Rattlecornsnake

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

"I guess your reputation for tipping has preceded you!"

We met online.

"...and are you, Jessica, committed to this bit?"

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

Banana

'I know you love her and want to protect her. But it's wrong to laminate her.'

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

'Why do I have the felling that your parents don't trust me?'

And do you, Sue, believe this is the best you can do? / It was a simple ceremony. Perhaps a little too simple.

'You were so right about twin beds spicing things up.'

Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 5

Dating Rule #1. Repeat after me: I need some space. I need some space. Got it. Good. Make sure you tell that to Laurel all the time. But

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?"

'I never forget a face.'

"As long as we're renewing our vows anyway, I've come up with a few new ones."