Catchphrase Connoisseur Gifts

Mr T's To Do List,

Imitation Crab

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'Boy, the fish are really biting today, aren't they, Fred?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

'Just a couple more and we'll call it a day.'

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

Cliche Amusement Park. This park is no fun at all --- It's too much like real life! Look, that ride is called "The Emotional Roller Coaster." Over there is "Life's Ups and Downs"! ... and "The Mood Swings"! Look! The good old "Tunnel of Love"! Finally! A ride that's just a fun escape! Out of ardor. "Out of ardor" --- More real life. (Published originally Sept. 4, 2005.)

S**t Threw a Goose

Sculptor's chippings

Paul Daniels.

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Arrivals and Departures - this railroad governed by Heisenberg's uncertainty principle'

Mass Confucian

Deadwood 25 miles

'This is serious. I think our area of expertise lacks a buzzword.'

I was thinking about something more like a slogan.

'Grog would never be able to finish a cross pictograph without his thesaurus.'

What's a twelve-letter phrase for "modify anger"? "Temper temper"!

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

Rare Exceptions: The Straw that became a massage therapist dedicated to treating chronic back pain in camels...

Here Lies P_T_R W_I_L__S: Inventor of the Crossword Puzzle

"No, thanks Bob. And just exactly when did you decide you were a 'dog person'?"

'that's what she said.'

"Making up words to fit the puzzle is almost as hard as using the clues."

Fisherman Funneral

Joke traffic signs.

Needle in a Haystack vs. Thumbtack in a Junk Drawer

"I wrote my essay specifically so that Hollywood could easily make a blockbuster out of it!"

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."