Carpentry Hero Gifts

'Someone, somewhere needs a shelf putting up.'

Domestic Superheroes!!

Jack of all trades

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Don't let the woodcutters get too close or they'll make a fuel out of you!

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Non-Drip ?

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

D.I.Y

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

Guide to Carpentry Fish

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Whittler's Mother.

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

"I spent the whole day cleaning the house. My cleaning lady comes tomorrow and I didn't want her seeing things like that!"

Christopher Isherwood

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

Heloise's Helpful Hints for Homebound

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

'Oh no. Another major code violation decision.'

A classic case of 'Cow-Worm'.

Hardware. You're right, maybe we should sell hammers by the "pound."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'