Careers Advisor Pillows

'So, you've no experience, no skills and a poor grasp of reality... Have you considered consulting?'

Careers advisor

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

'Why did I become an accountant?' Well in truth I just threw a dart at the first page of the dictionary but becoming an aardvark was to difficult

"So where do you see yourself in five months?"

'Maybe you could refer to your time behind bars as 'living in a gated community'.'

'What! You're 7 years old and don't have a life plan yet?'

'I don't wanna discuss my responsibilities! I wanna talk about my rights!'

'To be honest, as the son of a slave, your career options are quite limited.'

Unglamourous job, but with massive rewards. How about the city?

Success in a modern business setting requires more than the ability to mime to 'Arctic Monkeys' while blancing a pint of lager on your head.

'The answer is politics. In your manic state you can go out campaigning and in your depressive state you can stay in the office.'

"I think you'd make a persuasive salesman."

At the careers Office - "I want to be a corporate lawyer - that'll be �350 please!"

'Choose rich parents.'

Careers Advice - 'What kind of benefits are you interested in claiming?'

'And why do you think you'd make a good linguist?'

Careers - "What have you got with early retirement?"

'You're arrogant, pig-headed and have no communication skills -have you thought of a career in intelligence?'

'It's my dream to go to medical school, and become a proctologist!'

'Simkins, you're fired!'

'Demanding money with menaces, isn't really a career, Atkinson!!'

'I've been made redundant!'

'-and what do you hope to get in your chosen career - beer gut or ulcer?'

"Have you considered the option of being chopped up into small pieces and chargrilled in a mid range restaurant?"

Careers Councellor

"I see by your notes you've had most of your brain removed...have you thought about a career in broadcasting?"

"Arnold, your record shows you're the school bully. Have you considered a career writing nasty political campaign ads?"

"And without shaking yourself, where do you see yourself in five years?"

"I don't see 'contracting diabetes by the age of 30' as a viable career option Jenkins..."

"You have studied useless stuff and never worked, you have no idea about anything but you have an opinion about everything. . . well, do you want a job in the public media or in politics?"

"Career plans? I'd like to go to college and major in googling."

"Let's face it Simkins, the only way you'll ever get to medical school is by donating your body to science."

Careers advisor to schoolgirl: 'Have you considered becoming a kiss-and-tell slapper?'

'7.5% want to be statisticians.'