Career Success Guru Gifts

"Perkins, I didn't get where I am today without taking a few risks."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Others will fight for you

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

Work/Life Balance

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Back when I was your age the only way to get a promotion was kissing butt."

Between Offices

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Mum, I got the job!"

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

"I am dressed for the job I want."

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"