Career Counselor's Chuckle Pillows

"Let's suppose I don't like the job after a week or so. How much severance pay can I count on?"

"Staff support"

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

Caged Businessman

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

"What's your occupation?"

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

'Thanks for the promotion offer but I was hoping to sleep my way to the top..'

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

'I'm not sure what I want out of life, but I want a lot of it.'

'School of hard knocks.'