Career Coach Chuckler Pillows

'Because I CAN'T follow my dreams, dummy!'

'Fancy a swift half?'

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

'I said that I didn't want to be interrupted...'

Keyboard in Heaven

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

'You want a second opinion? -- Oh, a big shot, eh?'

"It's weeder's elbow."

'What about change? Do you have any change in your pockets?'

"It's all very well being healed, but that mobility scooter cost a fortune."

"Damn it—I think I just butt-donated to a charity."

"Gwen, call the employment agency back, please, we just created our first 3-D employee!"

'They've been hitting the blocking sled three times as hard since I put up that bust of that nut-job business teacher, Mrs. Sisk.'

Geez, Bob, maybe you should see a chiropractor.

"What's all this I've been hearing about the Cloud?"

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

'Well, Phil, now do you know what recoil means?'

Art Is A Snap When You Know How To Spell

'You didn't chew, did you ?!'

"My wife took up walkin' a mile a day five years ago. Haven't seen her since!" "Lucky son of a..."

"No. I blew the interview when I sniffed the interviewer's behind."

Dibs!

'Call me 'spot' one more time and I'll tear your frickin' throat out!'

'You realize, of course, there are no easy answers.'

What your acoustic guitar says about you

'Hey - I was in line first! There you go again...messing up the pecking order!'

'Forget the golf. I just got a nibble!'

Waiting In Doctor's Office

'This coupon has expired, sir, and so have you.'

"Blimey, who'd have thought that at this level of play a contestant would stoop to an illegal false belly."

'I gave at the office.'

"So much chum, so little time."