Card Store Employee Gifts

"Do you have a get the hell back to work card?"

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

Sale! Weed Whackers

"No, kid, we don't call these 'attachment icons.' We call them paperclips."

Axle greaseMarine greaseElbow grease .

Hand sanitizer

'We have a P-O-P display for our new perfume. Can we move the beef jerky down a smidge?'

National Coffee Day

'... and we're also having a sale on do-it-yourself emergency surgery kits.'

'I'm a purist. I don't take anything in my Vanilla Mocha Dulce Latte.'

'Once again, I fold.'

'Where do you keep the elbow grease?'

"Do you have anything by The Damned."

New! Paint Bombs: 'Light the wick, and you have paint that's extremely easy to apply!'

'Why do you always win at cards but not horses? I can't shuffle the horses.'

'Where do you keep the elbow-grease?'

Men's Prayer Group.

'We're starting to build our own house. How much is this two by four?'

How much would you take off for cash?

Wayne Krasnicky - unlucky gambler and unlucky in love.

'Is this the blues section?'

'I detect you scanning my cards!'

"Lights...Camera...No Action...The Flaw in 'Celebrity Solitaire'"

'The good news is I'm down to one latte a day.'

"That's closer to the shade of taupe I want, but it's still not quite right!"

'Look, we have 7 and we have 5 . . . I make that 75 �' the number of your house!'

Do It Yourself Stores: Help Wanted

"This fundamentally changes everything we know about elephants!"

'This must be the work clothes section.'

What really happens inside an automatic shuffler.

"Can you make me a tall Tazo chai latte with soy milk?" Bartleby, the soon-to-be-unemployed barista.

'Tell this joker he better not be holding a queen, or Ill wipe that smile right off his face.'

Pork Lift

"You're a lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch. You'll do well down here."