Carbon Counter Gifts

'Excuse me, is this cutlery carbon neutral?'

'They are calling for a demonstration on climate change.'

The Finger.

Carbon suicide

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

"We finally reached net zero emissions."

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

'To help save the environment, I've replaced all of our lightbulbs with compact fluorescents. Now I'm running the old ones over to the landfill...'

All Natural Nothing

Secretive Weigh In.

'And this one's framed in beautiful Brazilian hardwood.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

It's only firing on 87 cylinders!

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

Dieting Motivation.

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

'Diet considerations.'

Accountant Bedtime Stories

"These are magic beans, my boy. Their value comes from growth and scale, not revenue."

Sisyphus Sawyer

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

"What about my footprint?"

Extra Rich Cream Cakes