Car Manufacturer Executive Gifts

Top-Echelon Shakeup: Zubin Mehta to Chrysler, Lee Iacocca to the Philharmonic

"So the plan is to fly everyone for free. But we'll charge $400.00 per bag."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

Clowns in the board room: 'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to, well, pie.'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'It says our line printer is obsolete our remote terminal is obsolete, and I'm afraid, we're obsolete.'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

'I'm still not sure HOW it happened. One minute, we were bouncing ideas off each other, and the next thing I knew, we were using furniture instead!'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Our union contract keeps us from cutting salaries, but nothing prevents us from charging for parking.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'We want you to take the hindmost.'

"Please forward all my tickets to the auto manufacturer who made this self-driving car."

"We don't have a grievance committee, but we have a grieving committee for fired employees."

Oh no ... Outsourcing

Downsizing.

"I'll start thinking outside the box when the box is empty."

"I have the profit sharing figures. You owe the company �2,367.25."

"This baby gets such horrible miles per gallon, you actually save on gas because nobody can afford to drive it!"

'Somebody close the window. Those pesky drones are getting in.'

"This is our new head of conflict resolution."

"Why does it always have to represent something?"

'I've drawn up a health and safety policy for the company.'