Canvas Gazer T-Shirts

"Have you noticed how the eyes seem to follow you round the room?"

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

(Camel paintings)

'I love my new easylife artist's easel.'

'It's a Joan Biro.'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

Cat with Nine Still Lives

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

'We need a product line that will stimulate our profit line.'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

Vincent Van Goat.

Art Plagiarism

Couple painting each other - one turns to the other and says, 'Hon, let's hire a model.'

"It's called 'Sold'."

"That was a rumor day."

Jackson Pollock makes a mistake: 'Guess I'll have to start over.'

Modigliani's Giraffe

The Gallery Guard Unravelling the Wool of a Jumper on a Painting, Creating a Nude.

Sad businessman with sinking profits

His new 'Absence of Anything' reminds me strangely of his earlier blank 'Nothing to Say' canvasses."

'Beret Night at the Museum'

"This one will go with everything,

Stu just wanted to participate in the outdoor art class. . . alone. . . but Bob went ahead and invited himself anyway. . .

'Stupido Digitale! Chucka me a sloppy brush, there's a gooda chap.'

How Art Works.

Never forget the magic asterisk...

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"In this piece, the price clearly does not reflect what the artist is trying to say."

Before Art School. During Art School. After Art School

"I don't pretend to be great. I merely know myself to be very, very good."

'I want to capture this moment before toxic chemicals do.'

"I'm sorry but we don't have a room with a view."

'This elusive self-portrait of the artist is perhaps his most famous work. It was purchased, by the museum, for one hundred and ninety million dollars and is now valued at 900 million dollars...'