Canine Comedians Gifts

Doggy aerobics class - 'All right...we'll start with some tail-chasing...'

"I wish they would stop putting food in my hat."

'Darn! They've put some horrible blue chemical in the water: We can't drink that...'

'Stop introducing me as your bitch!'

'There's no way he painted this ceiling mural by himself.'

"Bad dog!"

"If this e-mail craze goes on, soon there won't be any mailmen to bite!"

'I know I should be thankful I have a good home, but if he talks baby talk to me one more time, I swear I'll go for his throat.'

'I'd better not find out electric blanket in your doghouse again.'

Rusty starts to have very violent thoughts toward his tail.

Dogs discussing human commend pet peeves.

"I thought you were teaching him to fetch, not kvetch."

'You would forget the doggie bag!'

Piss Bull

'This way I keep the law and don't get grossed out.'

"Not sure if I'm hungry or bored."

'He's paralysed from the neck down.'

"Someone butt-dialed me and I'm trying to smell who it is."

'Now listen: The best time to lick the kids' faces is right after lunch...'

'Oh, the usual, a postman, a couple of salesmen, a pizza delivery boy, how was your day?'

"Don't mind Spartacus, he just prefers social media to sniffing."

"Know what I miss? Just sitting around with my old friends, and barking."

"Fair warning: This is a beer can, not a dog food can. In the future, when you har me pop open one these, there's no reason to get all worked up."

"My mother ate math homework while she was pregnant with me."

"Shed as much as possible. That way your owners will never be able to give you away."

"I used to sit, stay and shake hands, but in the current cultural climate I chase, attack and bite."

"Step on it, Roger!"

Dog is given eye exam with ever shrinking letters that spell the word WOOF

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

"Not THAT sort of begging..!"

"He chews his nails, his pencils, his glasses... and I get scolded for chewing his shoes!"

"I think that new dog food gives him gas!"

"Martha, throw away the Pooper Scooper!"

"Wag your tail just once when I come home. You miserable dog!"

"Shhhhh. Don't talk about my t-a-i-l. I don't want it to suspect anything when I sneak up and catch it."