Candid Conversationalist T-Shirts

"The only thing that still works well for me is hysteria."

'I'll be honest, it wasn't a great first date. But hey, it wasn't bad for a last one.'

'I'm very good at what I do...as long as what I do is being overpaid.'

PSA Banter.

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

Crow and fox

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

Jokes machine.

The Algonquin Round Table

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

The Schmoozy Reaper

"So, what is your star sign?"

Bat out of Hell

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

Papa, how come Rudolph has a red nose? Because he's a drunk, son. Plain and simple.

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

Candor is the Best Policy