Candid Conversationalist T-Shirts

"The only thing that still works well for me is hysteria."

I'm drunk and what I say can't go further than this table. It dies with me. I swear it. I don't hate Rudy. Not always. Sometimes I … Sometimes I … I don't not like him. Big news, Rudy.

'I'll be honest, it wasn't a great first date. But hey, it wasn't bad for a last one.'

'I'm very good at what I do...as long as what I do is being overpaid.'

PSA Banter.

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

Crow and fox

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

Jokes machine.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Dude, Amazon is so popular they named a river after it."

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

The Algonquin Round Table

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"So, what is your star sign?"

The Schmoozy Reaper

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

Actually, I prefer to think of my body as repurposed.