Campaign Trail Comedian Gifts

"You take your left foot out and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about/"

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

LAST-MINUTE CAMPAIGN STOP

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Thank you but I'm a bit sensitive to ethnic food.'

Donald Trump

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

"Wake up, it's Spring and we forgot to vote!"

'It's my job to teach you to grin like ike, and damnit, you will grin like ike!'

"Hi from the US Supreme Court conservative majority...we hope you're all enjoying this campaign season!"

'You've got to help me, Doc - I'm a swing voter!'

"Slogan."

Jeb Can Ficks It

England's jester - United States' jester.

"He can't tell his left from his right."

"If memory serves, the alternative to being a McGovern-nik was being a Nixon-nik."

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

"Give me moderation or give me death!"

Election to-do list

Obama's favorite potato chips.

Gary Johnson

The Slumber Party.

I like you as president/I like-like you as president.

'I understand the plight of average crustaceans... Because I'm just an average crustacean myself.'

Now THAT was a speech with something for everybody!

"Say what you will about my family, but please respect my equity's privacy."

"I'm running for congress to be a media celebrity. If you want a legislator, vote for a lobbyist!"

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

Vice-President Auditions Today!

"Quick on his feet means if you can't answer a question, run away!

'In view of the crap you talk, I'd suggest to take this, sir, before you get sued for environmental pollution.'

It's not the Winning. It's the Taking Part that Counts. Vote Lib Dem.

Elect Fred O. Pittley: The Candidate of ALL the special interests.