Calorie Juggler Gifts

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"She's done it! The formula for work-life balance!"

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'Go right in -- he's expecting you.'

"Here are the new sales figures, which way up would you like them?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Look Billington, if you can't take the strain, tell me, ok?"

'The girls must be feeling better...'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'I find my job interesting because even after 27 years, I still don't know exactly what I'm doing here!'

Guess which "squeaky wheel" got another raise.

"Never do today what someone else can do tomorrow."

Wealth Juggler.

'You call it diversified work experience.. I call it can't hold a job.'

'Yes sir, I'll get right on it. Would you like it done with or without gusto?'

"No, it's no mistake. There is no out."

SNAKE CHARMER: snake reads 'help wanted' ad.

"Misunderstood,overworked,underpaid and stressed, it's bound to lead to depression...still enough of my problems,what can I do for you?"

'Welcome aboard, Bob. Your job is to figure out what the hell happened here.'

'What do I do around here? Sir, I really think I deserve some time for research and preparation before answering that.'

(an employee is in grasp of a giant octopi.The employee's boss is yelling at him through a bull-horn) 'Mr. Smith! According to H.R., you can no longer be employed here! Alright H.R., you can set Mr. Smith down now!'

"I don't understand, having a pulmonary embolism isn't on his to do list!"

Waiter: 'I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'll act like I'm waiting on you.'

'Regarding where you stand for a payrise - you don't.'

'Chocolate never tasted so good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.'

"I'm putting myself through med school by waiting tables. I'll be back shortly to take your blood pressure."

This one's mixed media--- I had jelly on my hands while finger-painting.

"Time to do it in!"

"And THAT was just the weekend!"

Getting the Christmas Tree Home.

'The numbers aren't working.'