Caffeine Critiquer Prints

"You need to cut down on the caffeine."

Reading my Critics

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

Law School teacher.

Mea Maxima Cuppa

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

'Coffee must wear you out. They're always sleepy when they drink it.'

"You're never home."

"You sure you guys don't spike the coffee?"

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

'When I registered for this class, in computer programming, nobody told me that it's all about converting caffeine into computer code.'

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

"Fire one shot if you find a waterhole or two for a coffeeshop."

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"This is their 'Working Mother of Four' coffee special. They must know what I go through."

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Thanks for coming out with me. I really needed a caffeine fix.'

Coffee Time Crossword

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

Barbed Pen

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

Dateline - Caf

"Practicing my hate-face."

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Nothing like that first cup of coffee, eh, Frank?

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

"He's a mental-health critic."

You've been extending Randy credit to buy food and drinks? You've no right! That's thousands of dollars. Have you any idea what that … Armstrong? Defibrillator. C'mon, really. It's not that bad. Okay, fine, make a show of it. Defibrillator! And a coroner.

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'