Coffee Critics Prints

'Caffeinated or decaffeinated?'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Sorry I'm not at the meeting, sir

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"Your idea is strong. Really strong. But I've gotta ask myself, is it too much espresso for a decaf world?"

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"...an excellent fighting lager with just a hint of park bench."

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

Dateline - Caf

Nothing like that first cup of coffee, eh, Frank?

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

"Practicing my hate-face."

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

Honest Vending Machine

Join me in a cup of tea!

'Well, kids, I guess it all started with decaffeinated coffee....'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

'This decaf's lousy.'

"This coffee seems a little staler every morning, Edwina!"

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

"I wish there was an easy answer but there's a sexual subtext to consider...even if you are comliant in meeting my needs am I subconsciously placing you in the sexually subservient role or nurturer and provider."