Caffeine Critic Prints

"Energy drinks my foot! I've drunk 10 cans a day and now I don't have enough energy to get off the couch!"

"Decaf, too?"

I see you. I deny everything. I have PROOF that in order to keep your patrons coming back, you've quintupled the amount of caffeine in everything you sell. I SAID KEEP THOSE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKES COMING!!! Anecdotal evidence is not the same thing as "proof." I see you.

"Go ahead. It's decaf."

'It's just a polite way to say we serve real coffee, not those frappastupid, cappasissy, frothy coffee drinks.'

'Well, kids, I guess it all started with decaffeinated coffee....'

"This coffee's awful. How old is it?"

"I hear he's tough. His idea of cold brew is instant coffee and tap water."

Eternal Student.

"I'll wait a moment for everyone's energy drink to kick in."

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Office Supplies/Coffee Supplies.

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

You've Had Enough!

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

'Would you all please congatulate...'

Writers without borders.

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"I've decided to make myself another cup of coffee!"

"The Wi-Fi password is publish 'publish or perish'."

'What's holding him up?'

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

"Make sure the coffee has extra caffeine. I want the employees awake during overtime."

'You've had enough!'

National Coffee Day

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"How about a little more coffee?"

"Alan had to work all night on his presentation....this is what 17 espressos does to him."

'You've had enough.'

Coffee Menu

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

'I'm a purist. I don't take anything in my Vanilla Mocha Dulce Latte.'

Too Much Coffee Man

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."