Caffeine Comedian Pillows

'Okay children, who knows the actions to I'm A Little Espresso Machine?'

"Is that decaf?"

"It's the only way we could get him to stop licking his privates."

"Guess we are going to the coffee shop!"

Triple espresso, please. No caffeine for you, Uncle Mort. I am not your Uncle Mort. You know the doctors have said "no caffeine," Uncle Mort. I don't know what you're talking about. My name is Mr. Somewunneruther. "Mister Somewunneruther"? Yes. Of the Minnesota Somewunneruthers. We're a very old and respected family. We came over on the Sunflower. Mayflower!!! One gentle flower chamomile tea, coming up.

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Does THAT satisfy your commitment to the Trade Description Act?

De'ja' va - "This coffee is starting to repeat on me!"

"Whoa! Just decaf today. I only had 15 hours of sleep yesterday."

"Ho ordered the Cafe au Lait?"

"I like to keep my option open."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'Before I order breakfast, which way is it to the 'International Bathroom of Pancakes'?'

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

Teapot

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'You've had enough!'

"Of course I've been drinking!"

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

"The project must be failing! The manager just suggested I take all the credit for it!"

'Stocks rose on news engineers are close to developing a car that runs on lattes!'

'This decaf's lousy.'

"Listen, I'm not going to keep letting you in and out all day."

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don't have even a hint of negativity. Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: "House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate."

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Are salary increases automaric, or do I have to work for them?'

'Looks like another typical caffeine overdose.'

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

'No, he's right. Cows have three udders. One for skim milk, one for two percent and the third one's for lactose free.'

'Sorry, Bob, but I'm having trouble taking our relationship seriously.'

"Our breakfast burrito is just like our lunch burrito, except it contains 876 mgs of caffeine."