Cafe Employee T-Shirts

You wanted to talk to me, boss? Yes, Rudy. I'm going to give you some time off to expand your horizons. You are? But you've never given me any time off ever. That was before patrons began complaining about how boring you are. I'm going to need you to visit exciting locales, get into interesting exploits, and come back with tales with which to enthrall the average cafe patron. Wow. Thanks. I'll give you four hours off every day between midnight and 4 a.m. Use them wisely. Wow. Thanks.

'He says he's a 'Sandwich artist' and he refuses to work in honey mustard.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con

We need a new eco project. Ok. Let's get locally grown food into the school cafeteria. What's our strategy? We can start with the potatoes. I'll make the poster. We want home fries.

Like, Latte. So that's a vanilla almond with soy, extra foam, whipped cream, nutmeg, and caramel. Leave room for coffee?

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

School Cafeteria. It's the start of the school year. The Geometry teacher will come by to verify that we're serving truly square meals. The grammar teacher says the alphabet soup is runny and needs some punctuation added. History teachers keep a record of all the past meals and so will notice any leftovers being served. And the computer lab staff expressed concern about all the cookies so the astronomy teacher suggested switching to candy for dessert. I'll bet she thinks Starburst and Milk

'Do you have any catsup?'

Today's special... donuts.

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"She'll have a semi-wizened, double ristretto with a dot of quail's milk - and please recite a poem while you make it."

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

Non-Power Breakfast

Cafe Burns.

Raphnrrf? Raphnrrf? Umpha? Frfee? Maamr? Pick.

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'You've had enough!'

National Coffee Day

"It's a pumpkin spice latte pie latte."

Tree Cafe; Free Valet Parking

How About Serving Us For a Change

Minion, I've noticed several of the patrons are working on their laptops, tablets and phones. Yeah, that's what people do in cafes, boss. Are you aware, minion, that states and municipalities regularly tax people who conduct business within their borders? I don't see why the state should have a monopoly on taxation. Do you, minion? Inform the patrons they've missed the cafe's April 15th filing deadline, so there will be penalties. If the government can be "We the People," Armstrong Maynard can b

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

'Any chance of a ploughman's?'

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

Coffee

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

'I'm a purist. I don't take anything in my Vanilla Mocha Dulce Latte.'

Choice hellhole

'Our special of the day is spam sandwiches.'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

"The WiFi password is: 'buysomethingorgetout'."

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."

Really? You're hiring me back to replace the robot you just replaced me with? I've had a change of heart, minion. It may be cheaper to automate my café. But it dawned on me that robots don't buy very many drinks. Plus, as much as I try to let the bottom line guide me, I am, deep down, a very compassionate man. I couldn't bear the thought of you being poor and miserable. Maybe he's not such a bad man. Plus, one accidental incineration of a customer and the authorities get all weird about it.