Cafe Culture Critic T-Shirts

'Not really the kind of cafe culture we were hoping to find.'

How can you be so heartless?! I have half a mind to tweet about this! Pardon? A bus full of tiny orphan broke down down the hill. It was on the news. Yet you didn't offer them any food. How would this look for your caf

Last week, the cafe where this lighthearted feature takes place was torn by religious differences. Would you like faith-based of non-faith-based seating? So it came to pass that the protagonist was forced to choose allegiance which he did with predictable zeal. Thou art a sinner! Thou?

'Considering how advanced they were it's amazing they never came up with a tall skinny latte.'

No halo, no wings, no service.

Coffee - hot chocolate - nuclear holocaust.

"I'll have a skinny latte..."

"We start with black coffee and then add a lot of stuff so it doesn't taste like black coffee."

"In the future, please order a small black coffee as a petit café noir."

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

Raphnrrf? Raphnrrf? Umpha? Frfee? Maamr? Pick.

'Bring me another coffee would you...'

"It's a pumpkin spice latte pie latte."

National Coffee Day

'How would you like your toast?'

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Meanwhile at the Cafe de la Mort...

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Turning around - searching for why hate happens.

Dateline - Caf

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

'Sorry we don't do black decaf.'

Cafe: 'Soup of the day, Hon, is 'primordial'.'

Alf's Cafe - Egg, Bacon and Tomato Plate, Catering Pack.

"The coffee is free, but now we rent the tables."

All Day Deals!

'I assume you accept star bucks?'