Cafe Crowd Gifts

A long, long way from indigent, Bert's depedence on coffee knew no bounds.

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'You've had enough!'

'Any chance of a ploughman's?'

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

'This meat is off, bring me the manager.'- 'Sure, would you like him fried or boiled?'

Cafe: 'Soup of the day, Hon, is 'primordial'.'

'Look. . . for the last time, I'm not playin' 'footsie' with you!'

Alf's Cafe - Egg, Bacon and Tomato Plate, Catering Pack.

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

The male of the species approaches the cafe counter. What's that, Mr. Pinkerton? Careful not to disturb those around him, the male scans his surroundings. His senses, his vision and his sense of smell have been honed by years of evolution and survival. Sniiif! At last, the male makes his move! He orders one slice of rhubarb pie, a la mode! You want pie? Suddenly, he is alerted to danger. The male seeks refuge behind a petunia! … but is it too late? No pie for him. The male will have a salad. The

"Of course, I'm complaining for two now."

Customers must wash hands after using their laptops.

Whatcha doing for vacation, Emily? Working at the beach caf� where all the lifeguards hang out. I'm ready for a summer of love! Me too! Aren't you babysitting? For 3 of the cutest little boys in West Fester Elementary. Check out the sexy chocolate milk mustache.

"Epiphany!!! . . . I'm running the cafe as a communist utopia!...I've charged everyone exactly the same for their muffins, when I should have means-testing. If you can afford to pay $650 for a muffin, well then by Ayn Rand, that's exactly what I should charge you."

Normally, we just write their name on the coffee cup.

"Everyone's so nosy. They act like they want to be left along, but they're always nonchalantly eavesdropping on everyone else....some more nonchalantly than others."

Voting on their Seats

"In the future, please order a small black coffee as a petit café noir."

"Do you validate?" "What? No, there's no parking lot. It's just street parking. And that's free." "I know. But I came in to get a coffee yesterday morning at 7:59. The line was so long that I didn't get out of here till 8:02. Apparently you had street cleaning that started at 8am." "I'm not following." "It was your long line. The least you could do is validate the parking ticket they gave me." "Get out."

'So how would you like your coffee...Small, Large or Intravenous???'

"Pardon me, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation."

"I made him the wrong coffee, so I hit control Z, but it didn't work. Maybe I should just make him a new coffee."

Barista

Is there anything you want to say to me? Get back to work? I pay you too much? I can hire a migrant worker for half your pay and he won't complain to me in English? And he probably won't be loyal to you and this cafe for 20 years. Twenty years. Twenty years. It's your 20-year anniversary? I'm assuming that's the extent of your acknowledgment of this momentous occasion, and I should not expect a cake. You may have a day-old cruller for half price.

Are we a bunch of losers? Who are you talking about? Me, Randy, Sadie, even you Uncle Mort – all of us cafe regulars. We've been hanging out at this place for years. I've been working here two decades. Do we have nowhere else to go? More powerful even than inertia: Any momentum killed by an uncompromising nap regimen. Zzzz.

'He says he's a 'Sandwich artist' and he refuses to work in honey mustard.'

"Do you ever wonder if you could function in L.A.?"

Confession. Terrible confession. My favorite kind. By day, I work at this caf

Le Cafe. Yes, Mister Hemmingway, our cafe will deliver meals anywhere in the city. "A movable feast"!

"Sorry, I'm the Amazing People Watcher. I'm going all I can."

"Do you every worry that the world's ending and we're just sitting here waiting for brunch?"