Café Philosopher T-Shirts

"I don’t want to get married but I’ve always loved the idea of being a widow."

"My analyst said I should channel the emotions of my divorce into an activity or pastime. Matador comes to mind."

That's not going to work. I don’t know what you mean, Randy. That guy over there is taking pictures of the café, probably to post on Yelp. Really? I hadn't noticed. You're standing several feet closer to him than I am so that you'll appear to be larger than me. Same trick they did in the Lord of the Rings films to make Gandalf appear to be much larger than the hobbits. Nonsense, I resent that accusation. I'm standing right in front of you. So ... what can I get you, Randy? I am not slowly inchin

Morkey, you've got to stop accosting the caf

What's your preference for seating: The faith-based or non-faith-based section? Faith-based. Non-faith-based. Menu. A heck of thing to learn over lattes. Heathen! You may not taste my scone!

What can I get you today? Clarity. I'm tired of not knowing what I am supposed to do with my life. Who am I? Why am I here? Should I have a scone or a donut? If you wait long enough, the right question comes around. Should I have milk or move to Canada?

Monkey, do you think I'm wasting my life at this cafe? I serve coffee and scones, make small talk with strangers and regulars, clean up their messes and the bathroom. Tell my problems to a mute monkey who doesn't even listen and thinks only about food. House of Java.net Cybercafe. That's right, I'm on to you.

'He said I was one in a million but forgot to tell me about the other nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"You don't whisper anymore."

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

"Of course I have a life. Not one worth living, mind you."

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"Your idea is strong. Really strong. But I've gotta ask myself, is it too much espresso for a decaf world?"

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

And I intend to fill it. For nature abhors a vacuum.'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

Meekness of Mr Pecksniff and his Charming Daughter

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

Still Coffee Runs Deep

Nothing like that first cup of coffee, eh, Frank?

Dateline - Caf

Continental Drift.

"Turns out it's easier to live at work than work from home."

Aw, @#$%, just go to business school. EMU. The Practical Muse.

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Jay McInerney

'Consummatum est.'