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"I am not just a 'Hater.' I happen to be very discriminating in my prejudices."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

Tree house.

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

'Och lye the news'

Binge Watch

'Can't you at least wait until half time?!'

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

Classic News.

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

"Would you mind adjusting the vibrate on your phone? There's a seismologist on TV claiming there's been an earthquake in our neighborhood."

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

'He gets confused switching channels between the World series and NFL games.'

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

Incorrect weather forecasts.

"It's a long-term strategy to make them lazy and complacent first."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'We couldn't give away black-and-white TVs until we started advertising them as having 'non multi-color capability'.'

'I've seen nothing I've liked since Victor Meldrew!'

It's a Dog's life

"Then we agree. 10 minutes of your news, then 10 minutes of mine."

"So much for finding intelligent life on this planet."

'The opinions expressed by Burt are not necessarily those of Ernie.'

'According to the latest reports, there were no earlier reports.'

"Sooner or later you just knew it had to come to this. . ."

"Today, in all aspects of life losses outnumbered gains."

"I'm the bluebird of PMS. Fetch me some decaf and turn on the air conditioner. I'm burning up in here!"

And here is the day's news that we are going shove down your throat.