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"OK, lad - bring along the murder weapon."

New Timeline

"Oh well, I guess I'm lucky that he's not a duck hunter."

'Why couldn't you throw like that in the game?'

"Never mind how I got up here....just call the fire department."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

Moulin Rouge Security

Music Hall Dancers

'I try and humour him...it's the only exercise he gets!'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Burlyesque

'So the guidance suggests that if anyone threatens you, throw it them.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'Get Doc Weston and Tell him I have a fever and to come over quick. We have a show to do tonight.' The talking dog goes over to the doctor's house and simply says 'woof'.

Inappropriate horse whispering.

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"One of these days you're going to throw that thing and I'm not going to bring it back."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

Ventriloquist's fete

"I'm not whining."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"You realize, I guess, that you've left your DNA on that."

Houdini's Dog.

"This next one goes out to everyone who wishes I were Bobby Short."

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

"Stock photo, right?"

'I saw the world in shades of gray once. Boy, did THAT dull my edge!'

'Uh Dude, you're supposed to throw it straight up.'

After years of study & hard effort, you're ready to begin your life's work. . . paying off your student loan."

Snake charmer tries sleazy pick-up on snake at a bar.