Buying A New Bed T-Shirts

"The Firminator. One inch of foam over cement blocks."

Introducing the Tofuton

I'd do anything for a good night's sleep. Well here's a $33,000 mattress. Hand-crafted layers of horsehair, cotton, flax and natural latex. What sucker would think overpriced horsehair would put them to sleep?! What's the number? Does health care cover it?

"We've got just the thing for someone your age...all our mattresses are made with memory foam."

Clancy: Bed

' I don't care if their ad says they stand behind every bed they sell, I want him out of here...'

'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'Check out my new bed: Titanium frame, extra firm mattress... Should last for years...'

'Does this bed have a sleep number?'

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

'I wonder if they have any water filters?'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"We really need more perennials? Aren't my weeds and crabgrass enough?"

Homegrown solutions for a smaller carbon footprint.

'These elves sure are helpful around the house.'

"First time pruning?"

I hate deer! What do you have to repel them? They're awful. I've got fences. Sprays. Decoys. Tree's Tree Nursery. I'll takes these. Anything to get rid of the varmints. Ring him up, Twig. I don't know why you are so down on deer. They've been very good to you! Anti-deer.

'Sure, a drawing on Facebook has coverage, but nothing wows the family like a spread on the fridge.'

Palms. When fully grown that species will provide some nice shade in your your yard. Fronds with benefits.

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"No, our home wasn't stolen. Since it's a 'smart home', it keeps having itself moved to a nice neighborhood."

I did it my way.

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

Sale! Weed Whackers

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."