Business Satire Follower Gifts

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

Staff turnover is higher than we planned.

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"We have an acronym!"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'