Business Processes Gifts

'Why is it costing us $685.35 to process a $25 sales order?'

'In this company, we've got a work process. The employee starts a file and gives it to the team manager who gives it to the department manager . . . And I throw it into the waste basket.'

"You have to follow the guidance on dealing with complaints precisely or else the shredder gets blocked."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

Looks like another day in which. . . I have to run the world, the country, the business and the household!!!

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

The MBA Draft

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

Quality Control

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'Office Woofers. For the quiet and obnoxious boss.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

The Corporate Ladder and the Corporate Elevator.

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"Don't worry about missing the meeting, Henshaw. We assigned all the actions to you."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'It's my company, I'll decide whether I want to go to the partner's meeting or not.'

'Let's hope the new norm means that less really is more.'

"That's Hicks from the corporate office. He's adorable, but trust me—when it comes to acquisitions, he's an animal!"

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."