Bumper-to-bumper Humorist Gifts

Why do they call it the rush hour? We haven't moved in ten minutes!

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"It's just a tree."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'The Lemming Book Store'

"I cross the road to forget."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'Please keep in mind this is only a 'ruff' copy.'

'We have a P-O-P display for our new perfume. Can we move the beef jerky down a smidge?'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

One Painting Says To the Other... 'Do you ever get that creepy feeling like they are watching you.'