Bug-phobic Laugh Seeker Pillows

'Seriously, honey, if there's a bug in the kitchen, just step on it!'

Dinner at the Trapdoors

"That'll be five bucks."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

"Let me guess...you forgot to put their hand-brakes on!"

"You drop yours first."

"Your honor, my client is a very respectable blood-sucking pest."

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

"We find the defendant guilty on all charges, Your Honor. On the positive side, we really liked his openness and energy."

"My client claims the verdict discriminates against guilty people."

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

'It all started when I told him I resented people calling lawyers assholes, because I'm an asshole.'

'Well... at least we know the basement doesn't leak.'

"I'm having a dry October. . . October 2045."

'I do wish he'd stop showing off in front of his friends.'

"Have you tried the David and Goliath cocktail?"

Comedy Vicar Competition

"Right. Money isn't everything - what's the other thing again?"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'It's an obvious case of identity theft.'

Judge banging down gavel on mouse by mistake.

"He won't talk but I will!"

Don't be alarmed by the smell, it's not a chemical attack: we've just entered the teenage boy's bedroom...

'Listen, be fair, George - it's your TURN to take Mrs McCarthy for her lesson.'

The customer is always right, but that fact has no standing in law.

"How much should I spend on a bottle of wine?"

'He reps a lot of comedians in Hollywood.'

'We take concerns about billions of pounds of NHS fraud very seriously. In fact I've asked Nurse Miggins to sort it out as soon as she gets back from lunch!'