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'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

'On your mark. Get set. Create!'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Baldo, you're a very good artist! You should put your talent to use."

Monkey-artist

'Are you done yet?'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

Harmon Silas, calculating the thousand words his picture is worth, wonders what do do with contractions.

'I love these afternoon jam sessions.'

Couple painting each other - one turns to the other and says, 'Hon, let's hire a model.'

"Your painting is both original and good. Sadly, the good bits are not original and the original bits are not good."

Jokes machine.

'The idea of an artists' retreat is to get AWAY from business concerns, Mr. Harlow.'

Painter's muse

"Ok, let's sneak up on Mr. Canvas and see if we can make a good impression."

The Cartoonist's armoury

ACCOUNTANT-IN-RESIDENCE: "John, we're going to have to cut back on the cadmiums."

'That brush - how many dpi?'

"Well it's a lovely piece passed down to you by your father. How did he acquire it?"

"Do you want my opinion as an art critic or as your best friend?"

"Shhh, Daddy's painting – snack time can wait."

"We were already in this room—I remember that hideous Renoir."

Artist

'Unfortunately, he's very productive in paintings, not money.'

'You need to slow down - use more color.'

Paul Gaugin

"Well—yeah, maybe I could use a sidekick."

'Stand-up climatologist...'

Mic drop

Glut of artists.

'Three thousand of those, four thousand of those, five thousand of those...'

'Been in advertising long?' man asks painter, who's painting a pile of rubbish as a beautiful countryside scene.